The Journey Always Changes: Ella's Story

A living loss is a disappointment or change in life we didn't expect. This experience leaves us grieving for our former self as we recalibrate our new normal. My guest this week shares about navigating job loss during the Covid-19 pandemic. Ella explores how loss shook her identity while creating a new path of self-discovery. If you're experiencing a life transition and want personalized support in navigating your new normal, connect with Wingate Counseling for a consultation.

Ella's Story

The Passion

Ella was always a creative person. As a first-generation college student, she wanted to follow her passion for theater in higher education. She got into a college and began the journey of becoming an actor. Ella was engulfed by the thrill of theater magic and the pure joy of the craft during her college years. When the time came for the next steps, Ella auditioned for a musical theater and was cast! Suddenly, she was off to New York to live and work as a full-time actor. Moving nine hours away from her friends and family was a mix of nerves and excitement. Overall, she felt confident as she stepped into this great opportunity she had worked so hard for.

The Pursuit

When Ella finally started work as an actor, she experienced a burst of creativity in her craft and development as an artist and creator. She was living her dream after years of hard work and sacrifices. Yes, the job was tough with long hours and many demands, but she was energized in her work. She had the sense that she had finally "made it" which was huge. Ella always had the support of her parents but found that others constantly questioned her. Ella experienced many friends and family around her asking, "How are you going to make money acting?" and doubting her decision to pursue this career. She learned to constantly prove herself to others which she had now done!

The Pandemic

About six months into her contract, Covid-19 hit the U.S., and lockdown began. For Ella and many others like her working in the arts, performances were canceled, and actors lost their jobs. Ella still remembers getting the call in March that her contract was terminated early. She had until the end of May to live in her company-provided housing. Many of the other actors in the company moved home, but Ella didn't want to leave. She had just made this big transition to leave home and pursue acting; she wasn't ready to give up on this path. Day after day, as the pandemic continued with no end in sight, whispers of prove yourself began haunting Ella again. Ella felt betrayed and angry that she finally began living as a self-sufficient artist when it was all snatched away. For Ella, this job was the culmination of all her hard work. It meant she was good at acting, she did know what she was doing, and she could get herself to this point. And then it was canceled. "When will it be my time?" Ella constantly wondered.

Ella's Grief

The Betrayal

Ella remembers after losing her job saying to herself many times, "I have to grieve this life, and the ideas I had for my future," as she could see no way back to in-person acting work. This was definitely a time of disappointment and sadness. As time passed, Ella became increasingly disillusioned with the theater world. This forced break allowed her space to confront some painful aspects of the world she loved. Time to reflect meant Ella gained a new understanding of her price to be an actor. Abuse, body dysmorphia, eating disorder, unfair working hours, racism, sexism, and classism. She felt betrayed and used by the industry, which complicated her grief. The betrayal was felt in her body. Ella remembers a burning sensation in her chest and a hollow feeling in her stomach. She remembers those sensations of grief speaking to her saying, "You'll never get your chance. I told you you weren't good enough."

The Boxes

Ella reflected that her entire life has been about putting herself in a box and wrapping up her identity with her work as a theater performer. After losing her job and navigating her grief, Ella was forced to realize life is more nuanced. She has become more open to energy and somatic work as she processes how the theater world disconnected her from her own body. She has made time for reiki and yoga certifications, all in the name of allowing more room for flow in her life. The pandemic triggered this journey of openness which has flourished through weekly therapy sessions. Ella decided to really commit to the therapeutic process and make her mental health a priority. She had to deal with the shame she was carrying. This work has allowed her to let go of the need to "fit into a neat little box" and be open to what's next.

The Beginning

Ella can now speak with compassion and hope about her disappointments. She remains open for the continued journey and accepts the range of human emotions without boxing herself in. Rather than a false start, Ella has the perspective of a new beginning. She notes that by moving through the pain and allowing herself to experience it all, she's now able to water the roots established during the turmoil. Ella now has a new perspective on responding to those shameful grief messages she endured in the early days of the pandemic. From a newfound place of compassion, Ella responds, "You are more than good enough. The journey always changes. No one can do what you can do."

Ella's Message To Others

Our conversation ends with a message of encouragement from Ella to others experiencing disappointment. "Take it one day at a time, and if that's too much, take it hour by hour." For Ella, that mantra was her saving grace through the uncertainty. When experiencing sadness or pain, Ella found that doing something nice for herself was always worth the effort. Living losses are complex, and the process of recalibrating to a new reality can take longer than any of us want to admit. If navigating this journey feels overwhelming to you, connect with Wingate Counseling for the support you need during this process.