Unexpected Holiday Grief

We'll experience grief in our lives because there are many ways to know loss. We usually think of grief as someone I love died. But grief and loss means more than death. We can grieve rejection, loneliness, and disappointment too. Ultimately, grief and loss is all about change. So you might be grieving this holiday season and not even know it! This post is all about understanding the less obvious grief in our lives and figuring out what to do about it. If this speaks to you, reach out to me at Wingate Counseling for some one-on-one grief guidance.

The holidays can be tricky

First of all, let's talk about how hard the holidays are. Many of us have complicated family dynamics and big expectations about the holidays. Even if you have a supportive family and great holiday traditions, it can still be a lot of pressure!

Now imagine throwing your hard-to-define/less obvious grief into the mix. You might be facing a mixed bag of emotions, no clue on how to support yourself, and the pressure to slap a big smile on your face. Umm, no, thank you! So, before we go any further, let's talk about some of these hard-to-define losses you might be carrying.

Hard-to-define yet totally valid grief

Maybe your grief is about not having a baby yet or being the only single cousin at the party. Or getting that work promotion means you're less available this year. Maybe you're grieving the past since the dynamics have shifted since family members have moved. Celebrating with your partner's family might mean missing out on your favorite traditions. Or maybe you're grieving your own sense of well-being and health this year. Whatever it is, know it's valid; you can grieve anything!

It's okay to acknowledge it.

If you find yourself having some holiday grief this year, it's important to recognize it. We can't start to deal with something if we never name it. It's actually really powerful to acknowledge the changes you are dealing with. Even if nobody else sees your pain, you can validate the grief in your life! Give yourself permission to say (even if it's only to yourself), "It's really annoying how everyone still treats me like a kid just because I'm not married yet!"

Seriously, it's okay to acknowledge it!

It's typical for our inner critic to start speaking up right about now. Our inner critic is so good at downplaying what we go through, thus keeping us from acknowledging our grief. Your inner critic might sound something like this, but I wanted this new position at work, but my new son-in-law is great, or we chose not to have a baby this year. Whatever version it takes, our inner critic tries to discount our feelings and reject ourselves. But here's the cool thing about people, we can hold contradictions! Like it's possible to feel confident in your decision to separate while totally missing the way things used to be.

Yes, I'm still talking about acknowledging it.

Even if you don't acknowledge your grief, those feelings are still in there! Unacknowledged emotions get a little grumpy and can start to be demanding if ignored for too long. Being honest with yourself about how you feel is more manageable than pretending everything is fine or, worse, dealing with the aftermath of a grief explosion.

Practical next steps

If this post is making you realize some unexpected holiday grief you are holding, listen to yourself and start your own acknowledgment. Take some time to write out your feelings, or talk to a trusted friend or a grief counselor like me! Spending time giving your grief a little attention means making room for all your other emotions, like excitement and joy. So my advice is to accept your feelings and be easy on yourself. After all, you're a human, which means you can have tricky emotions and still be a good person!