Pains of Life Transition: Josh's Story

Being a therapist in booming Nashville, TN, means I see newcomers struggling to find their place. Many clients are initially excited when moving to a new city only to feel lonely while navigating this significant life transition. We sometimes forget that even “good change” can be difficult.

This led me to talk with my friend Josh about his experience moving from Charleston, SC, to Lewisburg, PA. Josh’s story helps normalize the awkwardness of change and provides insight into the pains of growth. If you are going through a life transition and want individualized support, connect with me at Wingate Counseling for a free consultation!

Josh’s Move

Josh lived in Charleston since 2017, but after graduating with his master’s in fine arts in May 2021, he was ready for the next step in his career. This led Josh to a fellowship position at Bucknell University in Lewisburg. The fellowship supported his writing and career development but moving meant uprooting life in Charleston.

This life transition was a time of mixed feelings. Josh was emotionally drained by processing so much change and physically drained from the logistical aspects of moving. Yet, there was this sense of excitement pulling him forward. After working so hard for his degree and daydreaming about life after graduation, Josh was ready to start the fellowship! He remembers happily anticipating the new moments that were waiting for him in Lewisburg.

Having made a big move before, he knew there would be an adjustment period, but this transition was different than expected. Josh felt unsettled. He felt disoriented, on guard, and exhausted trying to navigate this new space. Leaving his apartment felt too hard, and his dream of exploring his new town was unrealized. Small errands suddenly demanded a lot more energy. Josh found himself crying in the car the first few trips to his new grocery store. “I felt silly and stupid that I couldn’t do something so basic.”

After a few weeks, a sense of emptiness started to creep in, and the pains of leaving Charleston hit. It didn’t help that Josh was feeling increasingly isolated. Despite being around people at work, Josh felt between the life stages around him. Most people he interacted with were either young undergrads or established professionals with busy family lives. Where did he belong? Josh struggled to understand what was going on. Moving to Lewisburg had been what he wanted, so why was he feeling so lonely?

Living Loss

During our talk, Josh and I talk about how life transitions are a form of grief, a living loss. I like to think of a living loss as a disappointment in our lives. We feel this type of loss when things don’t turn out as expected. Living losses come in the form of rejection, estranged relationships, career changes, health complications, and yes, even big moves. These life changes shake our identity leaving us to long for a different version of ourselves. It is sometimes surprising that living losses can come from our positive choices, like Josh’s case.

Josh saw himself as a Charleston resident, a graduate student, and a frequent beachgoer. Who would he be in this new town if he couldn’t even leave his apartment? Without the comfort of close friends nearby to process over coffee, understandably, Josh felt shaky. This living loss zapped Josh’s energy and left him missing Charleston more than he imagined.

What helped you?

After hearing Josh tell his story, I started to wonder what helped him endure this big transition. For Josh, letting the passage of time do the hard work helped him relax. He realized he didn’t need to put so much pressure on himself to have everything figured out. That gave Josh some room to breathe. As time passed, he seemed to find his footing. He would venture out when he was able, knowing he could return to the safety of home when needed.

Josh reflected, “This was the loneliest I’ve ever been but also the healthiest I’ve ever been in terms of coping with hard emotions.” Now, Josh doesn’t buy alcohol to keep in his apartment, and he’s learned to set boundaries with others, make room for unpleasant emotions, and be gentler on himself. Josh said having an outward change helped him make some inward changes. When he moved to Lewisburg, Josh decided to quit smoking. He thought this would be hard but found success. “I didn’t have anyone to smoke with or my usually smoking places which helped me create new routines.” For Josh, it was time to stop doing the things he knew made him feel worse.

What surprised you?

Josh has learned that he can do hard things! He was surprised by the difficulty of this transition. But Josh now has more confidence in his ability to face change. “I can do scary things, like going to a new grocery store and getting what I need.” This challenge has been good, even though it hurt.

Now halfway through this fellowship, I asked Josh how he’s doing. Josh pondered this for a moment, then responded, “It’s easy to think my time in Lewisburg has been miserable, but when I zoom out a bit, I’m surprised by how much I’ve grown.” For Josh, making time to reflect on his accomplishments helps fuel him forward.

What are you taking with you?

At the end of our conversation, I’m eager to know, “what’s next”? It’s too early to tell where Josh will end up, but he is bracing himself for another change. Like before, Josh is looking forward to the move. This time, he has many more tools to take with him and newfound confidence in himself to face life transitions. Josh will be bringing more self-love and some healthy coping skills to weather lonely times wherever he goes next.

If you are feeling lonely after a move, know that’s okay! Big transitions take time. Be kind to yourself and reach out for support. Wingate Counseling is here to help you navigate all the tricky moments!