My Top Tips for Navigating Grief

This week I'm sharing some top grief lessons that I personally learned when experiencing grief. By now, I know that we all experience grief differently; it's such a unique experience! However, through my own bereavement and my work as a grief therapist, I've gathered some top tips on navigating the complexities of grief! Whether you're grieving or caring for a griever, this blog is for you! As always, if you'd like personalized support on your grief journey, connect with Wingate Counseling for a welcome call!

The little things mattered a lot.

Experiencing death is a stressful event in someone's life. It's common to be more sensitive than usual during this time. When we are in a heightened state, it's easy for minor mishaps to become a big deal!

I overheated a chai tea in the microwave during a rough point in my grief. The stupid drink got too hot and overflowed. Normally, I would have cleaned it up and made another one, but I was in tears this time. It may seem silly, but at that moment, I remember thinking, "why can't anything be simple in my life?" That sums up how many grievers feel when small annoyances trip them up!

On the flip side, acts of kindness matter to grievers! Gestures that show you care go a long way. I remember everyone who reached out to me and those who went out of their way to provide comfort or meet a practical need. No note, text, hug, or meal is too small or unnoticed.

Top Tip for Grievers: Give yourself grace when "small" things trip you up.

Top Tip for Supporters: Send the text you've wanted to, or better yet, give the griever a call.

Grief changed my self-perception.

Humans are social creatures; we understand ourselves through relationships and community. When someone important dies, it's common for your self-perception to shift. Your self-perception will change based on who you lost and your relationship with that person. Although grievers may seem the same on the outside, their internal self-understanding might be different after loss.

Losing my father, mother, and older sister shook my identity. I remember my identity felt like a house destroyed by a storm; all that remained was rubble on a plot of land. It took me a while to realize that grief meant saying goodbye to your loved one and saying goodbye to a version of yourself. It took some time to recalibrate my identity, which helped when I surrounded myself with safe people. These close friends and family members helped me to anchor in who I was and who I was becoming.

Top Tip for Grievers: Surround yourself with people who knew your loved one or knew you before grief.

Top Tip for Supporters: Understand it's normal for grievers to have a mini identity crisis, and offer your support without judgment.

My mind wanted to avoid my grief.

Avoidance is a common response to grief. It can show up as becoming fixated on other "problems" in life, all to distract from the pain of grief. Grief clients often come to therapy seeking grief support yet, spend their entire session discussing issues unrelated to grief. Grievers usually aren't even aware of this avoidance until I point it out in the session. After all, humans like being in control, and for many, grief feels like an unsolvable problem. Our brains fixate on work, relationships, or house cleaning to cope with the discomfort of grief.

Looking back, I definitely experience this kind of avoidance and obsessive distraction. I became over-fixated on my living relationships, so I didn't have the energy to focus on my grief or how to have a relationship with those I'd lost. At the time, I didn't know how to have a relationship after death, so I focused on the relationships around me. This sounds okay, but my hyper-focus on my relationships made me more critical of them and ultimately didn't fuel my healing.

Top Tip for Grievers: If you notice your brain becoming fixated, give yourself some compassion and take that as a sign to spend more time on your healing.

Top Tip for Supporters: Communicate often about your willingness to hold the griever's pain. Do this by listening, asking questions, and sharing memories. This will remind the griever to focus on their healing without feeling criticized for their avoidance.

Take Away

Grief is a tricky time. We all experience it differently, and some aspects of grief can pack a punch! Whether you are a griever or supporting a loved one during bereavement, learning from other grievers helps give perspective during this challenging journey. If you'd like personalized grief support, connect with Wingate Counseling to find some direction amidst your loss.