My friend is grieving. How can I help?

This is a question I get all the time from people who support grievers. The fact that you are asking this question is usually a good sign! Know that your care and willingness to help will shine through any actions you take. Keep reading for specific tips and if you need a more personalized approach, connect with Wingate Counseling for a free consultation.

General supportive tips

When we are grieving, we have specific wants and ways of communicating our grief. I like to think about this as “grief languages”. Sometimes grievers are bad at asking for help or knowing what they need. This can make supporting a griever tricky, especially if you are new to the grief space.

Whatever you try, be sure to notice how the griever responds. If you get a positive response, you are on the right track! If not, no worries! Take this as an opportunity to try something new. Remember that none of us get it right 100% of the time. What matters most is your compassion and willingness to take cues from the griever.

Here are some tips that other grievers found helpful and will serve as a good place to start in supporting grievers.

Acknowledge the death

Sure it can be uncomfortable to talk about death. Still, in life, we have to deal with uncomfortable situations all the time! Generally speaking, feeling uncomfortable is not a good reason to avoid acknowledging the death. As awkward as it might seem to acknowledge death, grievers find it far more hurtful when people don’t say anything at all. Grievers want their pain and loss realized. When acknowledging, try saying the name of the person who died. Grievers value directness. It makes the situation less awkward when we are straightforward about death.

Ask Open-ended questions

I mentioned earlier that you could learn how to support grievers by using open-ended questions. This means, ask questions that are not “yes or no” answers. Instead of asking, “Are you sad?” try, “What feelings have been coming up for you today?”. This gives the griever space to experience and process emotions while showing you care. Once you’ve asked the question, make sure you’re listening to understand, not listening to “fix” things.

Do something practical

When someone dies, grievers are flooded with flowers and casserole. While well-meaning, this can be overwhelming. Doing something practical following a death can look different nowadays. Try sending food gift cards for the griever to use on a night when cooking seems like too much. Send flowers a few months later or deliver something comforting like a cozy robe or candle. The griever will appreciate this gesture after things have slowed down somewhat. Keep in mind that doing something practical like offering to walk their dog is a great way to show your support.

Respect the process

Often grievers complain of feeling misunderstood or rushed in their process. Grief takes longer than any of us want, and rushing grief can feel invalidating. We all deal with death differently, so it’s a good idea to be non-judgemental when giving support. If a griever dares to create a boundary, do your best to honor it. It is always a good idea to follow the guidelines the griever sets. For example, if they haven’t posted on social media about the death, don’t post about it! It may seem obvious, but sometimes, we forget to consider the griever’s wishes in our heist to act.

Follow up

When someone we love dies, there is a natural period of shock. This is to protect grievers from experiencing the entire weight of death at once. After a few months, the shock of death wears off. This can be a lonely and challenging time for grievers as they adjust to their new reality. It helps to have ongoing support. Set a reminder in your phone a few months after the death to cue a check-in!

The Bottom Line

Grievers can struggle to ask for help or know what they need. As a friend, you might feel unsure how to help! Start supporting the griever in your life by following these helpful tips, leading with compassion, and listening to understand their experience of grief. If you have specific questions or need personalized support, connect with Wingate Counseling.