Moving Through Sibling Grief: Colleen's Story

In birth order, Colleen resides between her older brother, Jake, and Sean, the youngest. Colleen remembered, “Being in the middle of my two brothers was comforting; it was part of my identity.” She played both the big and little sister roles with lots of love and affection. Like many sibling relationships, Colleen had different periods of closeness with her brothers. Sometimes connecting well, and other times feeling the annoyance only a sibling can provide. Regardless of what season of life she was in, one thing was certain: Colleen loved Sean and he loved her.

In January 2019, after a battle with depression, Sean completed suicide in his freshman year of college. Colleen and Jake rushed down to Kentucky to meet their parents and face the news that Sean was dead. Sean left a letter to Colleen in which he wrote, “It is okay to be mad at me.” But Colleen didn’t feel mad at him, despite anger being an emotion that others around her were feeling. Whether it was because anger is not her dominant emotion or because Sean had given her permission, her grief took a different form.

Colleen, who was in graduate school for social work when Sean died, felt her grief somewhat internalized. An inward mix of worry, pressure, and expectation. She remembered thinking, “How am I supposed to grieve? When should I go back to school? What do I need to do?” Her problem-solving personality was in full force, ready to take action. To her dismay, Colleen found that there was no, nor would there ever be, “solving” this problem, this pain. “There was nothing I could do to get my brother back.”

For Colleen, it was helpful to hold on to some truths as she moved through her grief. “No matter how much Sean was hurting, I know that somewhere inside he knew I loved him.” Sean only had one older sister, and Colleen only had one younger brother. Their bond was steady, and for Colleen it still is. “I now know that things are forever and always going to be different but also the same,” Colleen shared. Meaning, to her, Sean is not physically around to see the changes in her life, but Colleen is still herself—the big sister that undoubtedly loves her brother.