Grieving Together: Jacki's Story

Many of us shy away from supporting grievers. After all, grief feels like something yucky we want to avoid, but mostly it's tough to see a loved one in pain and not have the answers! Since grief is so complex. We like to think that grief follows specific rules (aka the five stages of grief), but that's just not the case. So how do we best support grievers?

Although there isn't a "one size fits all" approach, listening to the experience of others helps us navigate this process. Jacki's story of supporting her husband's grief offers wisdom and compassion to this challenging topic. If you support a griever, know that it's okay to seek your own support! Connect with Wingate Counseling to nurture yourself as you give to your loved one.

Unexpected Loss

In 2017, Jacki's husband Bret suddenly lost his dad. Bret knew his father's health was shaky, but the loss was unexpected. Jacki remembers Bret calling her at work to relay this heavy news. "I didn't even stop to think; I told my boss and booked the next flight to Ohio. My heart was broken for Bret; I needed to be there for him." Jacki didn't know what to expect when the plane landed. She found a broken version of her husband and a new path of grief the couple would journey together.

Individual Expressions of Grief

After his father died, Jacki imminently noticed that Bret seemed closed off to her. "I wasn't the person he sought comfort, which was okay but very hard." Bret mainly sought the comfort of others over Jacki, which was a surprise. Jacki understood yet was confused about how best to support Bret when she felt held at arm's length. She remembers Bret engaging with others but increasingly withdrawn from her at home. Jacki tried offering help by giving Bret practical suggestions when he seemed overwhelmed. This experience of offering advice made Bret retreat further. Jacki learned quickly that her strategy needed to shift.

Driven by Love

Confused but determined by her love for Bret, Jacki took over all the household responsibilities. She cooked, cleaned, and grocery shopped and balanced her demanding job as a lawyer. Jacki wanted to give Bret the time and space to heal without the pressures of daily tasks. Jacki remembers doing her best, wondering if it was even helping. She felt that Bret was lost, especially when his cloud of grief showed up in once enjoyable activities with others. Concerned, sad, and confused, Jacki called her mom for advice. Her mom suggested being honest about what she was observing and expressing her concern. "It broke my heart to see him struggling, so I decided to have some tough conversations." But the couple was in for more grief than they expected. A year after Bret's father's death, Jacki's beloved uncle died. She was suddenly lost in her own cloud of grief while trying to keep it all together at home. Understandingly, Jacki reached a breaking point. After a lot of hard talks and a few fights, Bret and Jacki understood their need to communicate if they would weather this storm together.

Balancing Act

A year of swallowing her feelings wasn't going to work anymore. On reflection, Jacki learned that her attempt to be selfless created problems in the relationship. Jacki communicated that she was tired. She wanted to support Bret, but she needed support too. "I learned that you have to talk to each other; even when you are unwell, you still have to let the people around you know what's going on." Jacki learned that she needed to give compassion, love, and understanding to herself as much as she had given to Bret. Self-love, communication, and her own spiritual healing journey fueled Jacki on the road of grief. Jacki held tight to the things that brought her life, like yoga, meditation, and time in nature.

Grieving Together

Jacki was surprised to learn how slow the process of grief actually is. "We are so impatient nowadays! It's always go, go, go, do, do, do, but there is no magical time frame for grief." In fact, Jacki accepts that losing a loved one means "you're always grieving." Since 2017 the couple has experienced many seasons of life. In its own way, grief accompanies each season. Yes, the initial shock of loss has faded, but the grief remains. Now Jacki sees grief as new levels of healing and opportunity. This was especially true when the couple welcomed their first child into the world. "From my perspective, having a son was a moment of grief for Bret. Watching Bret become a dad meant healing from past pains and the opportunity to honor the absolute best in his father." There will be more times of grief in life; Jacki and Bret have learned how to grieve together.

Takeaway

To anyone in a similar situation, Jacki offers encouragement to let go of the pressure to "keep it all together," it's okay to cry and experience your emotions. Try not to have any timeline expectations and know that we all have our own grief process. Most importantly, remember grief takes time! Supporting grievers is complex, so reach out for support, especially when grief feels like it won't ever subside. You don't have to go at it alone; build up a team of reliable friends, family members, and even professionals to support you. Connect with Wingate Counseling to cultivate compassion, love, and understanding for yourself and the griever in your life.