Grief Intertwined: Karen's Story
"The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
This week we hear the story of Karen's journey of caregiving, cancer, grief, and art. Karen's story is all about finding strength, peace, and kindness along the road of sickness and grief. It's important to share life stories like Karen's. It's not a matter of will but when adversity strikes. If you are navigating through grief, transition, or change, Wingate Counseling is here to help you maneuver through the fog.
Caregiving and Cancer
Karen's mom came to live with the family when she had trouble caring for herself. Early on, Karen remembers her mother being "all there" but simply needed help with cooking and other daily life activities. As the years went by and her mom got older, Karen became a constant caregiver. The caregiving became increasingly demanding; Karen remembered thinking, "I need to have someone I can call to help with mom if I'm ever sick or unavailable."
About a year later, while in full swing of caregiving, Karen noticed some of ovarian cancer's "sneaky" symptoms. "I was having trouble eating, constantly tired, and going to the bathroom often." She knew something wasn't right and went to see her doctor. An ultrasound was ordered, and the next day Karen was sitting with an oncologist attempting to process the news that she had ovarian cancer. It was essential to act fast and schedule surgery immediately.
Karen was in shock. She was wrapping her head around her own health while considering her mother's needs. She arranged for her mom to go to a temporary care home and moved forward with surgery. After a stressful year with major surgery and six rounds of chemo, Karen reached the end of her treatment. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, Karen had her last chemo and visited her mom. Things weren't looking good as her mom's health was rapidly decreasing. For the last two and a half months of her life, Karen's mom was moved from hospital to hospital and eventually died.
Karen's Grief
Suddenly as Karen was rounding the corner with cancer, she faced the enormous grief of her mother dying. For Karen, her grief put her in a fog. She felt "spaced out" as she navigated, planning her mother's funeral and managing her mother's estate. Karen remembers feeling "calm until she wasn't." She tried to maneuver through her grief, but her emotions pushed out of her in what she now calls "little breakdown moments." Her grief was complex and exhausting. So much had changed in a short amount of time.
One of the things that seemed to help during this time was a desire to paint. Karen had always been a creative person but never considered painting. She didn't know why she felt compelled to paint but leaned into it. Karen learned to "listen" to the canvas and understand when to step away to gain a fresh perspective. Painting was a process of working through her emotions. Emotions like guilt for being on the other side of a typically fatal cancer. Emotions like loneliness without someone in her house needing her care. Emotions like sadness mixed with relief that her mom was no longer suffering. Her art helped soothe the storm inside as Karen allowed herself to be ushered by grief into a new perspective on life.
Karen's Growth
Grief, illness, and uncertainty shook Karen and tested her strength. She was surprised to learn how okay she was in the face of adversity. To Karen, the worst thing about her cancer was seeing the fear on others' faces when they heard the news. She found herself being a source of positivity and strength. Karen would say to her daughters, "it's going to be okay; even if it's not okay, it's going to be okay." She truly believed that.
Karen learned that you have to take it day by day. "Whether it's cancer, death, or anything life throws at you, you will drive yourself crazy worrying." Rather than railing against life, Karen decided to lean into the uncertainty and pain. To her surprise, she felt so blessed despite going through such a heavy time. By opening up, Karen met so many amazing people and saw genuine kindness in the world. She learned to let others help her, relax, and accept kindness. "Letting friends help you is a gift to them and you."
These days Karen is quieter and slower. She tries to live in the present as much as she can. Things don't upset her as much, and she doesn't feel the need to explain herself to others. Having cancer helped her see the beautiful side of humanity. "Strangers would be so kind to me in public. People would go out of their way to help me."
Four years later, Karen is cancer-free but still misses her mom. Some days she will have a cry session. She doesn't fight the tears anymore. The tears are cleansing for her now.
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