Every Shade Of Pink: Kim’s Story

Kim, mother, friend, fiance, and lover of all things vegan, sat down with me to tell her story about losing her daughter Sidney over 22 years ago. I was curious about Kim’s story and how her perspective on grief has shifted over the years. For Kim, grief was not straightforward. She remembers many dark days and avoidance of her grief. After years of her grief journey, she is a believer in helping others and caring for herself. Kim encourages people to process their pain without numbing it. She wants grievers to know the sun will shine again even when the days seem dark. If you have lost a loved one and need support, Wingate Counseling is here to help you maneuver through the dark days of grief.

Sidney’s Death

Sidney was Kim’s oldest and, according to Kim, a “drama queen.” She was creative and expressive. “Sidney was my little artist! I can remember her creative spirit and attention to detail.” Sidney’s favorite color was pink. Kim remembers Sidney wanting every shade of pink marker to do her coloring. She loved art, dance, and being the center of attention with her impressions of the crocodile hunter. She was happy and vivacious, full of laughter and energy.

One day, Kim started noticing a decrease in Sidney’s energy and knew something was off. Sidney took more naps and complained of sudden, unexplained pains in her head. After 12 doctor visits and no answers, Kim was frustrated. With no leads, the family tried to return to normal activities. Then at a dance recital, Kim noticed Sidney stumbling all over the stage. It was not like Sidney to lose her balance and struggle with the routine. Kim was worried.

Two days later, Sidney was sick to her stomach, pale, and shaking uncontrollably. Kim, feeling scared but determined, went back to the doctors pleading for help. The stumbling, shaking, and tremors helped give the doctor a neurological focus. A CAT scan revealed a rare brain tumor and a nine months prognosis. Sidney was only five and a half years old with an inoperable tumor. Kim was shocked. “The cancer was so aggressive there wasn’t much her doctors could do.”

Knowing that Sidney’s time was short, Kim spent the next nine months doing what she could to comfort her. This included lots of movies and listening to Sidney’s favorite songs on repeat. Sidney’s face was paralyzed, but Kim knew what brought her daughter joy. Many times, Kim would take Sidney in her lap and rock her as a comfort to them both. When Sidney went into a coma, Kim knew the end was near. On April 3rd, Kim’s 30th birthday, she held her six-year-old daughter in her arms as Sidney died. Despite her paralysis, Kim remembers Sidney giving her one last smile as Kim said goodbye.

Kim’s Grief

I couldn’t imagine how Kim survived that period of her life and was curious about her response to grief at that time. After nine months of caring for a dying child, Kim was angry. She remembers unrelenting pain and guilt. Kim had two younger children who needed her, yet she felt buried by the weight of her grief. Her youngest, Ted, was four months old when Sidney was diagnosed and fourteen months old when she died. Kim had a moment of realizing, “I had this baby I didn’t even know, but I couldn’t get out of bed.”

During the first two years of grief, Kim had mostly bad days. She felt that the sun would never shine again and felt guilty when she had a rare moment of happiness. Her pain turned into negativity and became more than she could tolerate. She isolated herself from others and numbed her feelings with food. Two years after Sidney’s death, Kim described herself as, “I was 80 pounds heavier, with grief as my new identity, and a negative mindset.”

Kim had become an expert at avoiding her pain. It was how she coped. After years of numbing the bad stuff, Kim was missing out on the good stuff too. She did not want this for her life. She knew that the answer was facing her pain. This would be the thing that helped her “get to the other side”. Kim wanted to connect with her children and experience life, but she was scared. When she finally allowed herself to face her feelings, Kim found that they didn’t overcome her. “I learned that the bad days were like storms. The storms were frequent and hard, but they eventually passed.”

Now Kim tells grievers, “Don’t beat yourself up for bad days; we all want to avoid the pain of death. But eventually, you will have to face it and make a choice to move forward.” For Kim, she decided to live more positively and appreciate the good things in life. When she was more open to all her feelings, she found little connections with Sidney. Moments in her day, like a pink sky, reminded her of Sidney. Kim chose to honor Sidney by helping other people with loss. By being a consistent friend and showing the love she had for Sidney to grievers, Kim stays connected to her daughter.

A few months ago, on a beach trip, Kim’s boyfriend, Scott, proposed! After the engagement, Kim and Scott went for a morning walk on the beach. That morning Kim witnessed a beautiful sunrise. The sky was stunning, with various shades of pink. It reminded her of Sidney’s request for every shade of pink marker years ago. At that moment, Kim felt Sidney with her in spirit and broke down crying, knowing that her daughter was celebrating this happy time in Kim’s life. With tears in her eyes, Kim said, “That’s how much my daughter still impacts me, 22 years later.”