Creating Positive Parent-Child Interactions

A conversation with Brian Teal

Have you ever looked at a puzzle for so long you feel like you’re going cross-eyed but can’t make any of the pieces work? Only to have someone else at home come along and get three pieces without even trying! Frustrating, right? Sometimes when relationships are complicated, an outsider’s perspective can help you arrange the pieces you have to fit in a way you might not have ever thought possible. This is especially true in the sometimes tricky parent-child relationship dynamic.

This week on the blog, I talk with Brian Teal, counselor, and owner of Conscious Living Therapy Services, about difficulties in the parent-child relationship and how to create positive interactions. Since working with children and families since 2013, Brian has a wealth of knowledge on the parent-child dynamic. Together, we discuss common concerns and offer our professional perspective on this meaningful yet sometimes challenging relationship.

If your family needs support in navigating tough relationship patterns, there is merit in connecting with a licensed and trained therapist who understands these unique challenges. Wingate Counseling is happy to help with a personalized approach!

Why is my relationship with my child so tricky?

Do you feel like your child never listens? Or he deliberately breaks the house rules? Or does she “always have an attitude for no reason”? Maybe your relationship with your child is cold and distant, and you don’t know why! Difficulties in parent-child relationships can play out in many ways but usually have the same overall feeling of tension. This “tension” can sometimes be so significant that it begins to impact everyone in the house and cause you sleepless nights. So why is your relationship with your child, who you love very much, so hard? Parenting can sometimes feel like you are on your own. Seeking perspective from a trained therapist can help identify some areas of concern while offering a different approach. Keep reading to check out some common themes and suggestions that Brian and I discuss from our experience working with families.

You are dealing with your own concerns.

For starters, I want to acknowledge that you are a person too! Parenting might not be the only stressful thing on your plate at the moment. The parent-child relationship is not immune to outside factors impacting your interactions. Brian and I note that we see this a lot in therapy; parents are constantly dealing with their mental health concerns or other life stressors that impact their parenting.

Brian shares an example of a parent dealing with depression. Depression prevented this father from engaging but wondered why his son seemed distant. Brian did some digging and discovered that the father’s mental health symptom of isolation hindered engagement at home. The son wasn’t being distant out of defiance; it was all he knew! By helping the father with his depression, he could engage with his son and shift norms at home.

Brian notes that whenever he sees a parent going through a hard time, he encourages them to seek support first. “It is okay to ask for help, and you can even share with your child, in an age-appropriate way, that you are getting support. By being honest and open, parents can teach their child the importance of healthy self-care.” Parenting is so often about giving that it can be easy to forget your own needs. Taking care of your health is an act of giving; after all, the most beautiful gift you can give your child is a healthy YOU!

You forget to revisit expectations.

Often, parents bring to therapy that “I taught him better than that.” This phrase, or a form of it, comes up as parents express frustration over defiant behaviors. In his practice, Brian tries to help parents understand that rules, family values, and expectations change as a child develops and as a family grows. Brian explains that “Lessons are not fixed. I try to help parents see that just because you told your child something once does not mean you will never have to have that conversation again.”

I find that different seasons of life require different expectations. A family might decide to be more flexible about screen time in the summer but change that expectation during the school year. This seems reasonable; however, sometimes parents forget to clarify expectations with plenty of time for adjustment. Lack of prep results in frustration all around. It might take a pointed conversation or two before the expectation sticks. Think about it this way, imagine you have been working from home for the past year, and then your company decided to shift work expectations to in-person. It makes sense to have an open discussion to prep, ask questions, and raise concerns beforehand. In the same way, being honest about expectations and being willing to revisit them will improve understanding and compliance.

Since life is constantly changing, regularly talk about family rules. Don’t expect your children to know what you value unless you communicate. Brian also adds the importance of finding opportunities to praise and acknowledge your child’s attempts to meet expectations. “I tell parents that acknowledging attempts, rather than waiting for perfection, is a sure way to help increase desired behaviors.” I would add that this is especially important when a child struggles to meet expectations. A little bit of encouragement can really help motivate your child.

Brian and I also discuss the idea of children just not wanting to do certain things required of them. Parents often say, “He knows that Tuesday is trash night, but I always have to remind him to take it out. Then he gets an attitude with me about it every week!” Once we clearly communicate our expectations, in an ideal world, there will be follow-through. However, there are some tasks that your child will always dislike. Keep your focus on the desired outcome, the chore getting done, rather than needing your child to be happy about doing the chore. Children, like adults, dislike some of their responsibilities, and that is okay! Try to be patient and take your child’s annoyance at a chore less personally.

Your communication is off.

I ask Brian for a few practical tips parents can do to improve the parent-child relationship. His biggest tip is about using communication to create a positive dynamic. Brian advises, “Listen to understand rather than to respond.” Brian points out that he experiences many parents struggling to really listen to their child. He encourages parents to use reflections to help them improve their listening skills. Reflection simply means repeating back to your child what he says. For example, if your child tells you someone was mean to them at school, stop and rephrase what you heard before giving advice or emailing the school. This does a few important things. First, it forces you to slow down and really listen to understand. Also, it shows your child that you heard him and encourages more dialogue. Although well-meaning, when we rush to give advice or solve the problem, we communicate that the “talking” part is over, and we are now on to the “doing” part.

Another way to support positive communication is simply to show excitement and curiosity. Brian reminds parents that children can pick up on someone’s true feelings. “I often see well-meaning parents lack interest in their voice when interacting with their child. Our tone and nonverbal communication goes a long way in creating a positive interaction”. Furthermore, Brian recommends that parents use curiosity to extend the communication. “If your daughter says she likes something, take the interaction a step further by showing curiosity about what she likes. Find out why she is interested in that topic and what she likes best about it.” It’s really special for children to have their parents express interest in what they enjoy. It shows approval of what they like and ultimately about who they are as a person. Having positive conversations with adults helps build self-esteem in children and models appropriate relationship communication skills for their future. So take the time to model this skill at home and as you enjoy getting to know your child better!

The most common way adults communicate with children, especially if the relationship is tense, is by giving commands. Constantly telling your child what to do all the time might be frustrating. I realize there are times when directions and commands are necessary, but I want to explore the other interactions where there is room for an alternative way of interacting. When I notice a parent frustrating their child with too many commands, I often try to support the parent in creating a team effort for some problems. For example, if your child is having trouble getting their homework done and you’ve tried, with no success, to direct your child to do the work, consider teaming up with your child to find a solution. Ask your child if she has any ideas about why homework time is difficult and if she has any ideas about how to make it better. You might learn something new about your child! Most importantly, when you get your child involved in the problem-solving process, she will be more likely to comply with a plan she helped create.

Brian ends our time together by reflecting on the importance of the parent-child relationship. “I believe a parent’s relationship with their child is one of the most important - no THE most important relationship. I understand the desire to get it right, and no parent ever imagines the relationship with their child will be difficult.” Brian and I acknowledge the courage and vulnerability it takes for a parent to come to therapy for the relationship with their child. We offer a safe and non-judgemental space to support parents in exploring their relationships and provide an individualized approach to empower families towards more positive interactions! Connect today for a free consultation.