Better Parent-Child Connections

Working with families means I see a lot of parent-child disconnection. With so many demands on us, it’s no wonder we struggle to connect with those we love. By the time parents realize there is a disconnect, the parent-child relationship is already strained. Sometimes families need a plan for reconnection!

Using the principles of PCIT (a type of therapy that supports reconnection), I prescribe “Connect Time” to families in need. The goal of Connect Time is to create positive interactions leading to a more open and secure parent-child relationship. Connect Time focuses on what parents can control - how they communicate with their children. This communication strategy consists of increasing positive interactions and avoiding unhelpful ones. If your family is experiencing disconnection, consider scheduling with Wingate Counseling for a personalized plan for reconnection.

Getting Started

Setting Expectations

Before starting, consider having an honest talk with your child about wanting to spend time together. This is an opportunity to brainstorm fun activities and model emotional openness and willingness to grow as a parent.

Time and Place

Connect Time consists of 10 minutes of one-on-one time with your child three times a week. Shorter interactions done consistently have a huge impact and are better suited for busy schedules. Before getting started, plan a time and place that will set you up for success to give your child your full attention. For example, if your son goes to soccer practice every Tuesday night, plan Connect Time with your daughter on Tuesdays.

Activity

Choose an activity your child enjoys and one that you can be neutral about. For example, if you don’t like slime in the house, don’t choose slime! Or if practicing guitar always starts arguments, try to find a less charged activity.

Connect Time Communication Style

Sometimes when interactions are tricky, the only thing you have control over is your communication. During Connect Time, you will use specific positive communication skills while avoiding certain skills. These communication skills may seem awkward at first, but consistent practice will make it easier. Remember, you only have to use these skills for about 30 minutes a week during Connect Time.

The reason for changing communication is two-fold. To get different results, we need a different strategy. And these communication skills help create a more open and non-judgemental environment. Children and teens often interpret suggestions, questions, and teaching as a personal attack. Small changes gently invite your child to be more open. These are the skills therapists use to support children opening up during sessions. Now you get to learn them and use them at home!

“Don’t Skills”

During Connect Time, questions, commands, and criticism are off-limits!

Don’t Use Commands

Reason: Commands may cause conflict. Connect Time is not about teaching or chores.

Command EX: Go get another game; I don’t like that one. Tell me what your teacher said about the project.

Don’t Use Questions

Reason: Questions can seem critical to children. Questions give parents control of the interaction, shutting a child down.

Question EX: How was school today? Wouldn’t you like to go to Grandma’s with me tomorrow?

Don’t Use Criticisms

Reason: Criticism and teaching can cause negative interactions and show disapproval.

Criticism EX: You’ll never make the team with that attitude. You messed up the picture. That wasn’t very smart.

“Do Skills”

During Connect Time, incorporate as many of these skills into your communication.

Listen To Understand Rather Than Respond

Changing your communication will give the parent-child dynamic to breathe! This will result in your child feeling more comfortable to open up. This is not an opportunity to give advice or teach, instead listen to learn more about your child and provide a safe space to explore feelings.

EX: Child: “Science has been so hard lately.”

Parent: “It sounds like the school demands have picked up this year.”

Child: “Yeah, we get so much homework now.”

Parent: “Yeah, I’ve noticed that too.”

Offer Encouragement

Make an effort to praise and encourage during your time together. Be as specific as you can. Praising your child builds self-esteem and increases closeness. Encouragement can also mean sharing how special spending time together is for you.

EX: “I love what you painted; you’re so creative!”

“I enjoyed watching you practice your dance routine. I love getting to spend time with you and see what you love to do.”

Parent hugs child, “Thanks for hanging out with me. Seeing you makes my day!”

Model Open Behaviors

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at first! Try talking about your day and sharing your feelings if you get stuck. If done age-appropriately, open communication makes the interaction feel more authentic while modeling relational skills to your child.

EX: Parent: “Today was busy at work! I feel tired and think I’ll take a long bath tonight to relax.”

“I talked to Aunt Kim today. She told me to tell you hello. I always enjoy talking to her!”

Join In

Connect Time should be fun! Try engaging in the activity together—your participation matters. Give your child your full attention and let loose a little bit. Not only are you helping create a more secure relationship, but you are also building precious memories. Parenting is hard work! Sometimes we get too caught up in doing the right thing that we forget to enjoy our children. Make an effort to join in; you’ll be glad you did!

Takeaways

Life is more meaningful when we are connected to loved ones. Tools like Connect Time help enhance or repair important relationships with our children. I advise picking one or two principles and getting really good at them before adding more. It’s okay to start small! If you and your family need extra support, don’t hesitate to get personalized support at Wingate Counseling.